Do you ever find yourself wondering if the good space you’re in can last?
I felt that way for a long time too. In the past I have struggled with a ‘fear of abandonment’ – I was super premature as a baby so isolated for longer than is now thought to be sensible. Consequently, as a child, despite my wonderful parents, I wondered if I was lovable and as a teen I doubted my ability to be ‘worthy’ of a loving relationship. What I found when I investigated my thoughts and feelings on a deeper level is worth sharing as it may resonate or help you too. I’m writing this specifically from a relationship perspective, but the theory can apply to almost anything!
So for instance, you’ve found someone you really like and you’re loving spending time together, but there’s a part of you that doesn’t believe it will last…..Uncertainty can creep in anytime but often hits you when you least expect it – when things are going really well!
Or maybe you’re in a long-term relationship – do you or your partner end up fighting just as you started to believe that the fighting had stopped and things were going great? There’s a thing called the “Upper Limits Problem”. It occurs when the part of us that doesn’t believe we deserve to be truly happy or to be in a lasting loving relationship puts the breaks on – generally subconsciously – when we are feeling like life is almost perfect! You may already recognize a tendency to self sabotage in your relationships or in other aspects of life when things are going well. Often when we have low self esteem there is a part of us that can rear up in defiance of happiness and sends shock waves out that can deter or distract us from doing something we are enjoying and appreciating in a natural human way.
Time-out for couples
So what can you do to avoid falling into these patterns? If you’re part of a couple then creating space in your togetherness is one good way to help you both to stay centered and feeling good in yourself – so that you have a better connection and more appreciation when you see each other again. Kind of like ‘time out’ for couples but not because anyone misbehaved – almost to preempt any fear that in fact this is ‘too good to be true’. Getting out for a walk on your own, reading a book, even doing separate chores rather than everything together can be helpful. There is great book by Gaye Hendricks that explores this theory more deeply.
If you don’t believe that you can find a loving lasting relationship, then I can fully relate to where you are right now. Many of my own paradigms (unhelpful thought patterns) lived in my beliefs about being worthy of love, being able to chose well and being able to ‘stick’ a lasting relationship in my past.
Be kinder to yourself
The big awakening came for me when I started to learn to be kinder and more appreciative of myself and who I was in the world. It is my belief that you can’t really truly connect to another person unless you are in a good space that doesn’t require another person to ‘make you happy’. If you are happy in yourself – as you are – single or not, then you’re much more likely to feel secure and loved and therefore generate a more attractive energy to someone else who is in a similar space or mindset. Meeting someone when you’re in this space feels quite different – but in a totally good almost ‘whirlwind’ kind of way! That’s alignment of hearts and minds in two people who are happy inside. I know because I have met someone, a year on from the break up of my ten year marriage. And life feels pretty good right now!
Learning to love yourself
So here is what I’ve learnt. Your life is precious and unrepeatable – in the words of the awesome Abraham Hicks, “you could not be more deserving than you are right now!”. Treat yourself like you would your best friend, use kind words, embrace all of you – even the parts you don’t like so much. Its all part of becoming whole and ready for whatever you’d love to welcome into your life right now. That may be a new partner, it may be learning to love yourself, it may be deepening and strengthening an existing relationship – or just plain stopping the self sabotage. Try telling yourself that you are loved, secure and happy – daily! Believe me in time this can help create a real sense of emotional security – even buoyancy. Using the tools I now teach, I have moved from a place of deep insecurity and low self esteem to a place that I call home, that’s me now, happy on the inside and ready for anything!
Work with me
Would you love an extra level of support, accountability and encouragement from someone who really cares? I’d like to help you move forwards with more confidence, passion and certainty. If you’re ready for change, use the book a session button to secure your spot in my diary. I’m booking up now for December and into 2019. Make your coming year count – you could not matter more and you so deserve to be happy.
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